Albeit I am well and truly aware that this is my very first blogpost, I’d like to skip the introductions – I’ll probably get into that later – and get straight into the reason why I am sat here at 30 minutes past 2 in the morning writing this. I’ve been suffering with anxiety for as long as I can remember. Years ago, I figured I was simply a weird kid deeming the fact that I wasn’t aware of such a thing called an “anxiety disorder”. I’ve always felt utterly and completely alone which led me to being quite depressed. One day I made the decision to do some research on why I was feeling apprehensive almost everyday. As I hit search, many anxiety related sites were staring back at me from my laptop screen. I began gathering as much information as I could on anxiety and it soon dawned on me that I was – and still am – a victim of an anxiety disorder. Unfortunately I’m unable to thoroughly talk about it, for I am no expert on anxiety. I merely intend to share my story. I suffer from social anxiety. Social anxiety has dimmed my life so much. I hardly ever leave my home anymore unless I am compelled and even then, with much hesitation. I always catch myself trying thoroughly hard to come up with excuses in order to elude a particular situation or prevent it from happening. Furthermore, having to carry out a particular task that is as simple as ordering food terrifies me. The thought of uttering a word to someone petrifies me. A million possibilities of something that could potentially go wrong would run through my mind and instead of approaching, I’d promptly walk in the opposite direction and pray no-one noticed me. I’ve just finished high school as well and it was a difficult journey for a myriad of reasons but only a few amongst them are relevant. Considering I had a difficult time approaching someone, I spent 3 and a half years alone with only one friend who befriended me for pitiful reasons. Those 3 and a half years were really daunting but I got through it with many figurative bruises and wounds.
During those 3 and a half years, I had a huge problem in the friend department, for I couldn’t bring myself to make friends. I settled for one and lived in constant fear of being all alone at school. Evidently there were days where he would be absent and I’d be left alone to endure 7 hours of torture with no means of escape. Those days were hell for me. Mid year on 2015, I was finally gallant enough to approach new people. In spite of having made friends, I felt more alone than ever. I always felt excluded and alienated. My biggest fear, loneliness, came barging through my door and tightly wrapped it’s horrible tentacles around me. My anxiety fuelled my fear with negative possibilities and painful thoughts. Still unable to free myself from it’s strong grip, I sit here feeling nothing but loneliness.